Kill or Be Killed

On our last trip, I read the book Velvet Elvis as I explained in the blog before the last one. The other things that deeply affected me shall be the subject of this blog. You´re probably wondering, ¨what kind of title is that for a missionary´s blog?¨ Well, I´m glad you asked… hehe It will make more sense in just a minute when I quit rambling here and actually get to explaining what I mean by that title.
One of the chapters of Rob Bell´s book dealt with his perception of what a pastor should be, not what was realistically possible. His term for this is super-pastor: the pastor who can preach wonderful sermons on Sunday mornings, make visits to pretty much all of the members of his church every week, be a great role model every day all day, be a great father and husband without hardly trying, etc. He said that this perception of his was mostly subconscious; the effect of years and years of people, and the media (have to throw that in there for sociology… :P), saying what a pastor has to be in order to be effective. If you´re not doing all of the things listed above easily, then you´re just not a good pastor; that´s the thought that was drilled into his- and might I add, our- head throughout his life. Mr. Bell confessed that he always felt guilty because he couldn´t live up to those expectations, and I bet there are many, many pastors who feel the exact same way. Then he went on to say that he had to kill this idea of the super-pastor or it was going to destroy him, and burn him out (sound familiar? We all know of someone who got burned out quickly because they were trying to be the super-whatever in their eyes, and especially the eyes of others). So he took a day for himself and just sat down alone and focused all of his attention on the perceptions he had of the super-pastor, and methodically broke them down so that they weren´t causing him guilt. He said that it took a while and that they sometimes still haunt him- but not to the degree when he had no idea what was causing his anxiety and guilt- but that he feels tons better about being a pastor now, and that he´s just a human (no way!!) who has limits, and makes mistakes. He finally became authentic to himself, and more importantly the fellowship of brothers that is his church.
The next paragraph after he shares this story, he states that all of us have a super-whatever in our minds of our profession: super-missionary, super-manager, super-plumber, super-wife, super-Christian, whatever it is you do, you have an idea, most likely subconscious, of what you should be doing in that job to be worth anything (to the world) in it. He then said that we have to realize and kill the idea of super- (fill-in-the-blank) or be killed by it.
This touched me profoundly because I realized that I had a perception of super-missionary, and that I was by no means living up to that. So as a result, I felt like I was a super-failure of a missionary. I mean, a missionary is supposed to be planting churches left and right, baptizing hundreds of people, able to bring people into a relationship with Christ with just one conversation; that´s what I had been taught and read about when I was younger (just look at Acts, that´s a giant standard missionaries try to live up to). I hadn´t done even one of those things (surprise, surprise; so far I´ve walked and walked and walked) in my time with the IMB so far and I felt horrible about it, like I was just soaking up money from Lottie Moon and the churches who faithfully tithe to support the IMB. I was having this idea floating around in my head of the super-missionary, and that I was inadequately performing to that idea. I didn´t even know that this thought was affecting me so until I read Velvet Elvis and realized that I was being hindered greatly by this super-missionary. So, I think for the first time in my life, I set my book down in the middle of a chapter without finishing it, and went off to be alone for a while to try to sift through my perception of a missionary. I finally realized that I was obeying God´s plan for my life at this time, and that He has a plan for my time here; even if I never reach one single person in my time here, even if I get rejected in every village, even if I have to walk for countless and countless hours through the mountains. I will have faith that He is faithful to His children, and that He will always be with me, even if it is my darkest hour. After getting away by myself for a few hours, and reflecting on super-missionary and dispelling those ideas of him, I felt like a great weight had been lifted off of my chest. I returned to Javier, and the village, changed I believe. I realized I didn´t have to live up to the expectations of man, but only be obedient to God; He would take care of the rest.
I would like to challenge everyone to look inside themselves and discover their super-whatever and take time, be it an hour or a day, alone to dismantle your idea of him/her. If you don´t, your super-whatever will surely, slowly kill you because each one of us could never live up to that expectation we have of the super-whatever, no matter how hard we try. We need to be authentic with each other, and take off the mask that we are able to accomplish and be that person. I feel that if that were to happen, people being honest to themselves and others, we could be that much more successful in being the church.
A quick update to follow this blog: we are still here in Sucre, Bolivia. Things are slightly calming down, and we have been able to tentatively set a date to head out to the communities once more. But, as is the case in all countries, things could change in an instant so please keep praying for the talks to progress and a resolution reached. Also, we have news that one of the vice-presidents of the IMB will be visiting our team in October, and experience our life in the communities with us. So please pray for his safety as he travels here and also in the village. We have been translating and memorizing the Bible stories in Quechua so that´s another big request to keep in mind. Thank you so much for your support and prayers thus far. A definite praise of the result of your prayer is that things are somewhat more stable here in Bolivia in the last few days; this is a miracle in and of itself, because always things are volatile here. Tikunakama (until later)!