Reflections While Trying to Wait

First, I want to thank everyone who reads this blog for taking the time and commitment to do so. A little update is due I figured as well before continuing. I have been in Puno, Peru which is located on the coast of Lake Titicaca in Southeastern Peru for about seven days so far. I have been here working on getting my missionary visa in order to enter Bolivia and begin to minister to the Quechua living in the Andes mountains. Please be praying for God to transform my heart to refocus on Him, and Him alone. Also, I will be traveling this weekend, so please pray that it is a safe and smooth trip through immigration, and that I stay open to promptings from the Holy Spirit during my travel to Sucre.
At first, this town really annoyed the heck out of me, to be honest, but then I began to realize that it wasn´t so much the town as it was my attitude regarding my situation for the past two months. On the exterior, I have been fronting a very calm, go-with-whatever-happens demeanor, but under the surface I have kept hidden how I really feel about the situation I am in. One night while I was in Cusco with one of my teammates, we brought up the question, ¨If God wants me there (wherever that may be for each of us; physically, mentally, spiritually), then why is it so hard to get there?¨ We talked about it in regards to us and another missionary, somewhat lightly, but ever since I have realized that question has been haunting me for the longest time, since training, but I had never put it into words and confronted it; I had always kept it in a dark place in my mind so I wouldn´t have to try to answer that question. After my teammate left, I read a book by Bill Hybels, Who You Are When No One is Looking, and I have to admit it hit me pretty hard. The book talked about character, and some of the traits that are tied into character. The trait that most affected me when I read the book was endurance. Hybels says it is common if our expectations are not met overnight, we have a strong tendency to quit. I have to admit that the past two months has been really trying on my endurance for this reason; I expected to be in Bolivia almost two months ago, and still I am in Peru. I have thought so many times ¨Why can´t I just go home? What is God doing keeping me from Bolivia? I could just transfer to an easier, safer job, and still be doing God´s work, can´t I?¨ After reading the book and its chapter on endurance, I realized that I need to keep with this even though it may be the hardest thing I will ever do. In the end, it will ultimately be satisfying knowing that I followed God´s direction for my life and went through with it.
I realized, after taking a good, long look at myself, that my attitude for the last two months was one where I expected to run into problems, of course, but that God would snap His fingers and solve them all instantly. I have been so focused on how God will use me once I get to Bolivia, but I have been completely ignorant of the fact that God is shaping me right now to better perform the tasks ahead. I had blinders on, figuratively, and I thought all would be swell once I finally reached my destination. Everything around me was simply a hinderance to ignore (or complain about), unless it helped me reach my goal. These were thoughts that I have to admit were in my head, and I had bought into. An event yesterday morning brought all of these thoughts to the forefront of my mind all at once, and I was surprised to actually realize that I thought these. The event I mention is that my boss gave me permission to head to Bolivia two nights ago, so yesterday morning I woke up and went to the bus station to buy a ticket for the first bus out of here. Once I got there, I quickly realized that it was too quiet, and something was up. There was no one at the station, either to sell tickets or to buy them. Apparently, for the next two days the entire city is pretty much shut down, and will reopen on Friday... My first emotion when I found this out was frustration and I thought ¨How could God let this happen?! I am so close to getting to where I am supposed to be! I am here to obey His will, and one thing after another has hindered me from accomplishing it, in my mind!¨ Then it dawned upon me, who am I to think that I know exactly when God wants me to leave, what God wants me to do, and how God wants me to do it. I had tried to take control of the situation, instead of letting God control me. He obviously knows what He´s doing, and I can only follow Him, trusting that He will take care of me. He never said that following Him would be easy: ¨If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.¨ Matthew 16:24 And I had let that slip from my mind, thinking that I´m a missionary, and therefore, would have an easier time of things because I am, well, a missionary. Oh, how the opposite has been true so far!
It feels like I have been in the middle of a war since before I set foot on Peruvian soil. Every day has been an uphill struggle to obey Him. I can´t remember a single day since training has been over where it was easy for me to open up my Bible, pray, or see people lovingly through God eyes. In retrospect, I had let myself into the trap of thinking that since I was doing what God called me to do, I needed to do nothing more. Oh, how I have been so wrong! God has already used this time to show me the rough areas of my life that He is trying to smooth out so I can be a clearer reflection of Him to others. To close this, yet again, long blog, I have learned, or relearned, that yes, God wants all lost people to turn to Him and love Him, but at the same time He wants me to become more like Jesus and is shaping me to resemble Him because in my present state I cannot most effectively glorify God and draw closer to Him. And He will do whatever it takes to accomplish these goals, if it means I have to be delayed two more days, or two more months. I need to follow His plan, not my own.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.